I looked in the mirror And what did I see A monster staring back at me From galaxies unknown Dark, brooding So alluring yet so scary Projecting the happy fantasy When really singing the lost soul blues Self-sabotages almost consistently Holds feelings so deep that when expressed It’s potency trumps the fire expelled by an entire Weyr Putting on, showing out Acting up, always on the raucous route Wouldn’t stop until he’d achieved total domination, control, and power over you And he won Or did he?
When looking in the mirror What did you see? A figure you almost couldn’t believe Because he looked just like you In fact, it was you So familiar yet so unrecognizable How could you manage to let it all go? No more, you say NO MORE His time of recklessness, dysfunction, and drama are done For you’re taking it back, all the way back to one The lost, but not forgotten one The O.G. YOU Time to slay the shit out of this muthafucking monster He’s gone on for far too long It’s the only way to right this wrong Say goodnight!
From now on, when I look in the mirror I’m going to see me The real me Not lost, not blue But genuine, authentic, and true Loved from the inside out On that realness route Reclaimed And reframed Like Fantasia, I’m finally back to me.EndFragment
~ Buddah Desmond, From The Inside Out: A Poetry Collection (2020)
I cannot believe it’s been 7 years since the release of my first project, Prevail: Poems on Life, Love, and Politics. It’s arrival marked one of the brightest and darkest periods of my life.
Two weeks prior to its release, I found myself jobless. A total WTF moment that sent me reeling… Spiraling down. I was singing a tune that was akin to the jazz standard “Good Morning Heartache,” except in this case it was “Good Morning / Good Afternoon / Good Night Depression, Anxiety, Shame, Low Self-Esteem, and Lack of Confidence.” It took awhile to grow through it. While I didn’t realize it immediately, it proved to be a blessing in disguise.
This reality check gave me the chance to do things I always wanted to do. Publish my work. Write, write, and write some more. Perform. Connect and work with other artists, creatives, and organizations committed to the arts and social justice. Complete my MBA. I did what I had to do. About a year or so later, the landscape had changed. My outlook was much brighter.
Life is a trip. At times, you may feel ill equipped for the journey. You may even hate certain portions of the journey. But it’s necessary. It lays the foundation for what’s too come. As I say, “No matter what happens in life, we must PREVAIL!“ Much love and gratitude to all who’ve been there with me and continue to support me throughout this journey. You are true blessings!
Ever been in a situation, be it a relationship, friendship, or job, that was no good for you? Everyone other than you knew you could do better and encouraged you to move on. But for reasons that were oblivious to you at the time, you remained. I’ve had my fair share of experiences such as these. In my latest article for MUSED, “I Was Too Blind To See,” I talk about a past relationship that had run its course. I ignored all the signs. Yet, I stayed… And paid dearly for it. But as I say in the article, “I’m grateful because that experience was crucial to bringing me forward.” To learn more, read the article on MUSED.
Major thanks and props to Drew-Shane Daniels, Neo Huxtable and the MUSED family for featuring the article!
You can’t even give a little bit. You won’t even try. You fail to do anything that you think is going to challenge your ego. You’re afraid of compromise for fear of losing yourself. God forbid you should ever have to change. But compromise is the key to keeping the scales in relationships balanced. You can’t be the tyrannical controller and think you won’t get checked, or think that I’m just supposed to go along with it.
You shouldn’t have to brand yourself differently to make our relationship work. We have to accept each other as we are; Else, our problems are much larger than we both can see. I’m willing to make it work,
But if you aren’t—there’s nothing I can do to make you save our union. It’s better to be selfish when you’re alone. And we both know we can do better than that.
So if by now you haven’t changed your mind, then consider these parting words: Can’t deny I won’t be sad, but I’ll get over it; and you will too. I’ll just wish you well And I sincerely hope and pray that you find whatever you’ve been looking for Cause it obviously isn’t with me.
Get over the fact that no one will ever be the same. Get over the fact that there are multiple umbrellas, and everything and everybody will never live only under one. Get over the fact that most people have no desire to (and will never) reside in the same space, because complacency is equivalent to death.
Acceptance, change, growth, and progress are pertinent and inevitable. Let it be!
The chatter never ceases when being flooded by joyful memories of a bygone era. You’re in a trance when nostalgia captures you: Wide smile, happy, sparkling eyes— A lift in the tone of your voice, so evident in the jubilant recap of your experiences.
There’s nothing wrong with reminiscing about the past. The chapters in the book of the past made way for the books of the present and the forthcoming books of the future. It’s important that we look to our past because it’s our personal history. When we’ve learned from our history, there are slim chances of blocking the blessings of the future. We just have to remember not to dwell too long in the past.
Can’t bring back what we had then. But we can reexamine our lives now, and figure out what it will take to create the good ole days of today— To make them just as memorable, just as impactful as they were then.
I’ve been sitting at my computer for several hours this evening… Much of it was spent staring at the screen, staring into space, or staring at the tablet of paper I’d been scribbling on. I couldn’t concentrate for the life of me. I’ve been so busy at work (and kinda at home) that I don’t think my mind has been able to rest unless I was actually sleeping. And if it lingers for too long – I start to get pissed and will get really close to saying “fuck it.” With the schedule I have and the deadlines between work, school, and my personal life – I don’t always have the luxury of saying “fuck it.” But I’ve been more than willing to pay the consequences when I did it in the past…lol.
At this point in my professional life, I feel as if I’m longing, yearning for more. I love the job and what I’m doing (or what I’ve done). But I’m just not feeling that fulfilled. I’m bored. I feel as if I’m on auto-tune…just going thru the motions – not anywhere near as enthusiastic as I used to be. And this is something that has not changed in the last few months. And the feelings seem to be strengthening. I feel like I need to be challenged in new and exciting ways. And I’m just not seeing it where I am now. That is unless things change. We’re still in the midst of re-organization (however this process hasn’t been addressed to us formally since April 2009). We just turned in our performance appraisals a few weeks ago. It’ll be awhile before our supervisor gets back to us about them. I can say that I did quite a bit in 2009 and I did it all to the best of my ability. But am I that thrilled about any of it anymore? No, not really. On top of that, I just don’t feel as if I fit in with department anymore. I feel kinda out of place. The culture in my department has/is changing again – and it’s changing rapidly. Nothing like what it used to be in first two years. And I’m not sure that that’s a good thing either.
So I think I’ve come to the fork in the road. I’m at the crossroads. And the part that worries (and I’m not sure that “worries” is the best word) me most is the fact that I haven’t quite figured out what to do about it. I don’t necessarily want to leave the company. And I don’t want to leave the people I’ve become close with. But I don’t want to squalor in complacency or contempt either. I’m blessed to have bit a talents, gifts, skills, and experience to pull from. It’s just a matter of what I’m going to pull from and where do I want it to take me next. Whatever it is – I’m sure I’ll make the best decision I see fit for me personally and professionally. I just hope and pray it’ll go well. One things for sure – I cannot afford to be depressed about my worklife. I don’t have time for that shit. Gotta keep it moving if that’s the case. I’ll just have to hold tight however, until something else/better comes along. Pray for me…