Reflections (Slaying The Monster)

I looked in the mirror
And what did I see
A monster staring back at me
From galaxies unknown
Dark, brooding
So alluring yet so scary
Projecting the happy fantasy
When really singing the lost soul blues
Self-sabotages almost consistently
Holds feelings so deep that when expressed
It’s potency trumps the fire expelled
by an entire Weyr
Putting on, showing out
Acting up, always on the raucous route
Wouldn’t stop until he’d achieved total
domination, control, and power over you
And he won
Or did he? 

When looking in the mirror
What did you see?
A figure you almost couldn’t believe
Because he looked just like you
In fact, it was you
So familiar yet so unrecognizable
How could you manage to let it all go?
No more, you say
NO MORE
His time of recklessness, dysfunction,
and drama are done
For you’re taking it back, all the way back to one
The lost, but not forgotten one
The O.G.
YOU
Time to slay the shit out of this
muthafucking monster
He’s gone on for far too long
It’s the only way to right this wrong
Say goodnight! 

From now on, when I look in the mirror
I’m going to see me
The real me
Not lost, not blue
But genuine, authentic, and true
Loved from the inside out
On that realness route
Reclaimed
And reframed
Like Fantasia, I’m finally back to me.EndFragment 

~ Buddah Desmond, From The Inside Out: A Poetry Collection (2020)

Prevail: Happy 7th Anniversary!

I cannot believe it’s been 7 years since the release of my first project, Prevail: Poems on Life, Love, and Politics. It’s arrival marked one of the brightest and darkest periods of my life.

Two weeks prior to its release, I found myself jobless. A total WTF moment that sent me reeling… Spiraling down. I was singing a tune that was akin to the jazz standard “Good Morning Heartache,” except in this case it was “Good Morning / Good Afternoon / Good Night Depression, Anxiety, Shame, Low Self-Esteem, and Lack of Confidence.” It took awhile to grow through it. While I didn’t realize it immediately, it proved to be a blessing in disguise.

This reality check gave me the chance to do things I always wanted to do. Publish my work. Write, write, and write some more. Perform. Connect and work with other artists, creatives, and organizations committed to the arts and social justice. Complete my MBA. I did what I had to do. About a year or so later, the landscape had changed. My outlook was much brighter.

Life is a trip. At times, you may feel ill equipped for the journey. You may even hate certain portions of the journey. But it’s necessary. It lays the foundation for what’s too come. As I say, “No matter what happens in life, we must PREVAIL!“ Much love and gratitude to all who’ve been there with me and continue to support me throughout this journey. You are true blessings!

Prevail is available at Amazon (Paperback | Hardcover | Kindle) and Barnes & Noble.

I Was Too Blind To See – Latest on MUSED

Young man thinkingImage courtesy of MUSED Magazine.

Ever been in a situation, be it a relationship, friendship, or job, that was no good for you?  Everyone other than you knew you could do better and encouraged you to move on.  But for reasons that were oblivious to you at the time, you remained.  I’ve had my fair share of experiences such as these.  In my latest article for MUSED, “I Was Too Blind To See,” I talk about a past relationship that had run its course.  I ignored all the signs.  Yet, I stayed… And paid dearly for it.  But as I say in the article, “I’m grateful because that experience was crucial to bringing me forward.”  To learn more, read the article on MUSED.

Major thanks and props to Drew-Shane Daniels, Neo Huxtable and the MUSED family for featuring the article!

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Peace, Love, and Many Blessings!

~ BuddahDesmond

Day 85: You’ve Got It Now (No Excuses)

No excuses now.
The room to spread—space to grow is there now.
You didn’t have to ask for it this time;
Fell into your hands—
     Like a blessing.
You’ve been ripe for a while.
It’s time to bear the fruit of the burning desire
     And willingness that lies within you.
Be your best self.
Do your best work.
The opportunities will be endless.
You’ve got it now.

Day 83: Can’t Make You Try

You can’t even give a little bit.
You won’t even try.
You fail to do anything that you think is going to challenge your ego.
You’re afraid of compromise for fear of losing yourself.
God forbid you should ever have to change.
But compromise is the key to keeping the scales in relationships balanced.
You can’t be the tyrannical controller and think you won’t get checked,
or think that I’m just supposed to go along with it.

You shouldn’t have to brand yourself differently to make our relationship work.
We have to accept each other as we are;
Else, our problems are much larger than we both can see.
I’m willing to make it work,

But if you aren’t—there’s nothing I can do to make you save our union.
It’s better to be selfish when you’re alone.
And we both know we can do better than that.

So if by now you haven’t changed your mind,
then consider these parting words:
Can’t deny I won’t be sad,
but I’ll get over it; 
and you will too.
I’ll just wish you well
And I sincerely hope and pray that you find whatever you’ve been looking for
Cause it obviously isn’t with me.
 

Day 82: Get Over It

Get over the fact that no one will ever be the same.
Get over the fact that there are multiple umbrellas, and everything and everybody will 
     never live only under one.
Get over the fact that most people have no desire to (and will never) reside in the same 
     space, because complacency is equivalent to death.

Acceptance, change, growth, and progress are pertinent and inevitable.
Let it be!

Day 64: The Good Ole Days

The chatter never ceases when being flooded by joyful memories of a bygone era.
You’re in a trance when nostalgia captures you:
Wide smile, happy, sparkling eyes—
A lift in the tone of your voice,
so evident in the jubilant recap of your experiences.

There’s nothing wrong with reminiscing about the past.
The chapters in the book of the past made way for the books of the present and the

     forthcoming books of the future.
It’s important that we look to our past because it’s our personal history.
When we’ve learned from our history, there are slim chances of blocking the blessings of 

     the future.
We just have to remember not to dwell too long in the past.

Can’t bring back what we had then.
But we can reexamine our lives now,
and figure out what it will take to create the good ole days of today—
To make them just as memorable, just as impactful as they were then. 

© BuddahDesmond

Day 13: At the Fork in the Road

I’ve been sitting at my computer for several hours this evening…  Much of it was spent staring at the screen, staring into space, or staring at the tablet of paper I’d been scribbling on.  I couldn’t concentrate for the life of me.  I’ve been so busy at work (and kinda at home) that I don’t think my mind has been able to rest unless I was actually sleeping.  And if it lingers for too long – I start to get pissed and will get really close to saying “fuck it.”  With the schedule I have and the deadlines between work, school, and my personal life – I don’t always have the luxury of saying “fuck it.”  But I’ve been more than willing to pay the consequences when I did it in the past…lol.

At this point in my professional life, I feel as if I’m longing, yearning for more.  I love the job and what I’m doing (or what I’ve done).  But I’m just not feeling that fulfilled.  I’m bored.  I feel as if I’m on auto-tune…just going thru the motions – not anywhere near as enthusiastic as I used to be.  And this is something that has not changed in the last few months.  And the feelings seem to be strengthening.  I feel like I need to be challenged in new and exciting ways.  And I’m just not seeing it where I am now.  That is unless things change.  We’re still in the midst of re-organization (however this process hasn’t been addressed to us formally since April 2009).  We just turned in our performance appraisals a few weeks ago.  It’ll be awhile before our supervisor gets back to us about them.  I can say that I did quite a bit in 2009 and I did it all to the best of my ability.  But am I that thrilled about any of it anymore?  No, not really.  On top of that, I just don’t feel as if I fit in with department anymore.  I feel kinda out of place.  The culture in my department has/is changing again – and it’s changing rapidly.  Nothing like what it used to be in first two years.  And I’m not sure that that’s a good thing either.

So I think I’ve come to the fork in the road.  I’m at the crossroads.  And the part that worries (and I’m not sure that “worries” is the best word) me most is the fact that I haven’t quite figured out what to do about it.  I don’t necessarily want to leave the company.  And I don’t want to leave the people I’ve become close with.  But I don’t want to squalor in complacency or contempt either.  I’m blessed to have bit a talents, gifts, skills, and experience to pull from.  It’s just a matter of what I’m going to pull from and where do I want it to take me next.  Whatever it is – I’m sure I’ll make the best decision I see fit for me personally and professionally.  I just hope and pray it’ll go well.  One things for sure – I cannot afford to be depressed about my worklife.  I don’t have time for that shit.  Gotta keep it moving if that’s the case.  I’ll just have to hold tight however, until something else/better comes along. Pray for me…

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