The tried & true methods are not always the best ways to approach problems. Sometimes you have to step outside of the place where you feel most comfortable in order to move forward. Looking towards new methods you are not accustomed to may be the way to go. Take the risk – you never know.
There’s something to be said about someone who is so selfless and giving of themselves to other things and people. There’s also something to be said about someone who is so selfless and giving that they neglect themselves. You’ve got to find the balance between everything, everyone else, and you. Otherwise, this kind of imbalance can lead to self-inflicted burn out (amongst so many other things).
Doesn’t seem to be many of us around who are interested in or care to really communicate anymore. So much is misunderstood, misconstrued, and taken out or put in the wrong context. If we thought before we spoke (or wrote), did our research, went straight to the source instead of making assumptions and passing judgment, and asked the right people the right questions – so much bullshit would be eliminated.
You may be the best at what you do. Amazingly gifted and talented. But none of that matters if you aren’t using what you’ve been blessed with to inspire, motivate, nurture, guide, and assist those coming up with or behind you. It’s about giving back what you’ve been so fortunate with. Is there anything worse than a truly talented person who’s not only boastful, arrogant and egotistical but selfish too?
People will always have shit to say. It’s part of the human makeup. Unfortunately, the things people say tend to be more on the illogical, biased, ignorant, or negative side. But when there’s a problem or an issue that needs to be addressed, if you’re not bringing anything relevant or constructive to the table – do everyone else a favor & shut the fuck up!
No more second guessing
Time to cast away the doubts,
The insecurities and the fears
And go with my gut instincts
The first thought or answer to come to mind is usually true
No more beating up myself
What’s done is done — it’s a thing of the past
Time to accept it, reflect upon it, gain from it, and move on
No more bouts with despair
Time to move beyond and get over things that I simply do not have the power
Or control to change
No more worrying
Time to channel that energy into something better
Something useful
Something creative
Time to just live and let it be
No more tears being wasted
On those who said that they loved me
Or those who said that they cared
It’s their loss, not yours
No more sweating the small stuff
Because it’s just that
Time to accept letdowns and disappointments as tests of character,
Endurance and strength
They are gifts in disguise
It’s all a part of life’s journey
And I’m going to enjoy the ride
Whatever happens, happens
However the cards will be dealt
I can guarantee this:
The game will be played and it will be played well
I am now more aware of myself than ever before
I realize that nothing is wrong with me
I am perfectly fine
No more downgrading or shortchanging
I accept myself for who I am
I will not bow down or fall victim to the expectations
Of what everyone says I am supposed to be
No more
I am all of who I am supposed to be and much more
Take it or leave it
(c) BuddahDesmond
On the afternoon of March 14th, my great-grandfather died. He was 95 years old. He’d been sick for the last several months. He was semi-comatose during the last several weeks of his life. But up until that time – he was still hanging, still going strong. He lived a long happy life. Not many people live that long. And it’s truly a remarkable thing. He was a devoted husband, father, grandfather, great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather. He was a supporter, inspiration, mentor, and role model. He was a military veteran who took pride in serving his country and worked in the federal government for 33 years. He was also a self-taught jazz musician who didn’t read music. He had several instrumental and vocal bands that toured the East coast. Music was his passion. Though he didn’t get to completely follow his passion due to his love and commitment to his family, his passion for music and his talent never ceased. He is one of the reasons why my love for music (jazz in particular) and singing is so strong. He gave me a deeper appreciation for jazz and musicianship. So this one’s for Jazzman Gus, one of many names he was affectionately called. Here’s a classic jazz tune, “Round Midnight” written by the phenomenal pianist/composer Thelonious Monk and performed by Sassy/The Divine One, Sarah Vaughan.
A few weeks ago I came out to one of my best childhood buddies. We’d known each since the fourth grade. Though we lost touch a few times along the way due to distance, we never lost our bond or connection. It seemed to grow stronger over the years. We went through and experienced a lot – individually and collectively. And he’d been there with me – through most of it.
So I have no idea why I waited so long to come out to him. There’s a part of me that didn’t think he’d have a problem with it and that he’d be fine. I thought, “Hell, he probably already knows – he’s just waiting for me to tell him.” And then there’s another part of me that was hesitant. When I was away in college, he became a born-again Christian. And I thought that there’s a great possibility that he either won’t accept me or if he does – he might rub the sin, scripture, Bible, Christian thing at me.
I wanted to speak with him in person or at least over the phone about this. But due to hectic schedules, we kept missing each other. So I opted to do it via email (not my mode of choice, but hey…). Here’s a portion of his reply to my email:
You know I look at you as a brother and really want you to live a long, prosperous, joyous & blessed life. You also know my religious views being a Christian rapper and all I’m sure you know where the Christian belief stands on homosexuality. The bible tells me that it’s a sin against God, but it also says that no sin is greater than another and that sin (including homosexuality) can be forgiven. You see God loves is greater than anything sin and His love is the definition of unconditional… My beliefs will not allow me to celebrate what the Word of God calls sin HOWEVER just as God still loves you; so do I. It doesn’t mean that the bond of friendship is any weaker on my end…
I just don’t know what or how to respond. I was both angry and somewhat content with the response. Content because this is what I was expecting him to say and this is why I was hesitant in telling him anyway. Angry because I’m so sick and tired of hearing this sin bullshit. And I’m sorry but it’s bullshit. God made me the way that I am for a reason. My being gay is not a choice or something that I can just turn on and off like a light switch. It’s part of me. It doesn’t consume me and it doesn’t cloud everything that I do. But you cannot acknowledge me in totality without acknowledging that part of me. And as a lifelong friend, I guess I was just thinking that he’d be able to see completely beyond this and accept me totally, wholly. Maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I asked for it. But at what point do you get beyond the scripture to the realness in life and the substance of the realness staring in your face….in all of its divinity? What would you do?
Welcome to the Blizzard of 2010! It’s winter in the DC Metro Area and it’s a big mess. After over 20 inches of snow, people are losing or have lost their minds, patience, and humanity (practically). People were fighting in the grocery stores over food. Driving like bats out of hell on the roads. And expecting cleaning crews to do magic tricks to get things back in order. With this much snow, normalcy will be a dream not achieved for some time. Many of our neighborhoods still have yet to be plowed, many of us don’t have power, and have no way of getting around (if you’re depending on public transportation).
My fiance’ & I have been without power and heat since last Friday night (when the storm hit). You could see your breath in front of your face in our place. It was just that cold. We couldn’t spend another night at home so we decided to try to get a hotel room. Because the roads were so bad we couldn’t get to the strip where most of the hotels were in our area (Rockville/Bethesda), so we ended up heading to my mom & granny’s house. What was usually a one-hour trip took almost two hours. It was a scary trip. Many of the street lights were out. Only the left and right lanes were clear. The center lanes were full of ice and compacted snow. We were on edge the whole way. But we made it safely (thank god).
Since the roads are still terrible – we’re staying put (working from mom & granny’s until further notice). I typically take public transportation to and from work everyday so you know that’s out of the question. The underground stations are the only stations being serviced. Bus and Marc train service is limited. You’d be out of your mind to even think about a taxi.
There’s really not much we can do besides hoping and praying for the best. The really sad part of it all is that this area never seems to be prepared for any major emergency. And I think for it to be the DC Metro Area that it’s totally unacceptable. People are freezing in their homes, looking for their next meals… They can’t even get off their streets to go to the store let alone to work. Pepco can’t get to the affected areas without power because plows have yet to clear many streets (especially in Montgomery County). Had this been technological or biological warfare it would be every man, woman, and child for themselves. I can’t bare to imagine what it would be in either of these situations… The meteorologists are predicting that we may get another foot or more of snow between Tuesday and Wednesday…
Snow… It’s so beautiful and peaceful when it snows. So quiet, so Edenic, so pure… But in the aftermath – snow loses it’s beauty and brings out the ugliness in people, the process for clean-up, and the issues that arise when government fails to have a plan in place in the event of a snow emergency. Yes, welcome to the Blizzard of 2010!
I’ve been sitting at my computer for several hours this evening… Much of it was spent staring at the screen, staring into space, or staring at the tablet of paper I’d been scribbling on. I couldn’t concentrate for the life of me. I’ve been so busy at work (and kinda at home) that I don’t think my mind has been able to rest unless I was actually sleeping. And if it lingers for too long – I start to get pissed and will get really close to saying “fuck it.” With the schedule I have and the deadlines between work, school, and my personal life – I don’t always have the luxury of saying “fuck it.” But I’ve been more than willing to pay the consequences when I did it in the past…lol.
At this point in my professional life, I feel as if I’m longing, yearning for more. I love the job and what I’m doing (or what I’ve done). But I’m just not feeling that fulfilled. I’m bored. I feel as if I’m on auto-tune…just going thru the motions – not anywhere near as enthusiastic as I used to be. And this is something that has not changed in the last few months. And the feelings seem to be strengthening. I feel like I need to be challenged in new and exciting ways. And I’m just not seeing it where I am now. That is unless things change. We’re still in the midst of re-organization (however this process hasn’t been addressed to us formally since April 2009). We just turned in our performance appraisals a few weeks ago. It’ll be awhile before our supervisor gets back to us about them. I can say that I did quite a bit in 2009 and I did it all to the best of my ability. But am I that thrilled about any of it anymore? No, not really. On top of that, I just don’t feel as if I fit in with department anymore. I feel kinda out of place. The culture in my department has/is changing again – and it’s changing rapidly. Nothing like what it used to be in first two years. And I’m not sure that that’s a good thing either.
So I think I’ve come to the fork in the road. I’m at the crossroads. And the part that worries (and I’m not sure that “worries” is the best word) me most is the fact that I haven’t quite figured out what to do about it. I don’t necessarily want to leave the company. And I don’t want to leave the people I’ve become close with. But I don’t want to squalor in complacency or contempt either. I’m blessed to have bit a talents, gifts, skills, and experience to pull from. It’s just a matter of what I’m going to pull from and where do I want it to take me next. Whatever it is – I’m sure I’ll make the best decision I see fit for me personally and professionally. I just hope and pray it’ll go well. One things for sure – I cannot afford to be depressed about my worklife. I don’t have time for that shit. Gotta keep it moving if that’s the case. I’ll just have to hold tight however, until something else/better comes along. Pray for me…
—————-
Now playing: Vanessa Williams – Just Friends
via FoxyTunes