When it comes to other people and other people’s problems – there’s only little we can do. It’s up to them to make the changes and transitions necessary for improvements in life. You can advise, counsel, support, and love them all you want. But if they don’t want things to be better for themselves – you might as well proceed like it’s business (your business) as usual.
Here’s a little reality check for all those who’ve been ego-tripping lately… There’s more to life & more to the world than you.
People will always have shit to say. It’s part of the human makeup. Unfortunately, the things people say tend to be more on the illogical, biased, ignorant, or negative side. But when there’s a problem or an issue that needs to be addressed, if you’re not bringing anything relevant or constructive to the table – do everyone else a favor & shut the fuck up!
No more second guessing
Time to cast away the doubts,
The insecurities and the fears
And go with my gut instincts
The first thought or answer to come to mind is usually true
No more beating up myself
What’s done is done — it’s a thing of the past
Time to accept it, reflect upon it, gain from it, and move on
No more bouts with despair
Time to move beyond and get over things that I simply do not have the power
Or control to change
No more worrying
Time to channel that energy into something better
Something useful
Something creative
Time to just live and let it be
No more tears being wasted
On those who said that they loved me
Or those who said that they cared
It’s their loss, not yours
No more sweating the small stuff
Because it’s just that
Time to accept letdowns and disappointments as tests of character,
Endurance and strength
They are gifts in disguise
It’s all a part of life’s journey
And I’m going to enjoy the ride
Whatever happens, happens
However the cards will be dealt
I can guarantee this:
The game will be played and it will be played well
I am now more aware of myself than ever before
I realize that nothing is wrong with me
I am perfectly fine
No more downgrading or shortchanging
I accept myself for who I am
I will not bow down or fall victim to the expectations
Of what everyone says I am supposed to be
No more
I am all of who I am supposed to be and much more
Take it or leave it
(c) BuddahDesmond
A few weeks ago I came out to one of my best childhood buddies. We’d known each since the fourth grade. Though we lost touch a few times along the way due to distance, we never lost our bond or connection. It seemed to grow stronger over the years. We went through and experienced a lot – individually and collectively. And he’d been there with me – through most of it.
So I have no idea why I waited so long to come out to him. There’s a part of me that didn’t think he’d have a problem with it and that he’d be fine. I thought, “Hell, he probably already knows – he’s just waiting for me to tell him.” And then there’s another part of me that was hesitant. When I was away in college, he became a born-again Christian. And I thought that there’s a great possibility that he either won’t accept me or if he does – he might rub the sin, scripture, Bible, Christian thing at me.
I wanted to speak with him in person or at least over the phone about this. But due to hectic schedules, we kept missing each other. So I opted to do it via email (not my mode of choice, but hey…). Here’s a portion of his reply to my email:
You know I look at you as a brother and really want you to live a long, prosperous, joyous & blessed life. You also know my religious views being a Christian rapper and all I’m sure you know where the Christian belief stands on homosexuality. The bible tells me that it’s a sin against God, but it also says that no sin is greater than another and that sin (including homosexuality) can be forgiven. You see God loves is greater than anything sin and His love is the definition of unconditional… My beliefs will not allow me to celebrate what the Word of God calls sin HOWEVER just as God still loves you; so do I. It doesn’t mean that the bond of friendship is any weaker on my end…
I just don’t know what or how to respond. I was both angry and somewhat content with the response. Content because this is what I was expecting him to say and this is why I was hesitant in telling him anyway. Angry because I’m so sick and tired of hearing this sin bullshit. And I’m sorry but it’s bullshit. God made me the way that I am for a reason. My being gay is not a choice or something that I can just turn on and off like a light switch. It’s part of me. It doesn’t consume me and it doesn’t cloud everything that I do. But you cannot acknowledge me in totality without acknowledging that part of me. And as a lifelong friend, I guess I was just thinking that he’d be able to see completely beyond this and accept me totally, wholly. Maybe I’m asking for too much. Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe I asked for it. But at what point do you get beyond the scripture to the realness in life and the substance of the realness staring in your face….in all of its divinity? What would you do?
Not Anymore
Taking out the trash.
Getting rid of all the old shit.
Locating all the hidden treasures that squandered
in the presence of you.
Started over.
Went from lost to found.
Spirit renewed–found a new love,
Not as costly or exhausting as the love I had
with you.
Got it right this time.
Didn’t give way to self-doubt.
No more self-interrogation.
No longer being the criminal to the victim always played
by you.
I realized when problems in relationships arise,
It’s usually not just one party to blame–it’s two.
I’ve washed myself clean.
Still have my issues,
But I acknowledge them and make it known.
There’s always room for improvement.
But I can be myself.
No need to hide or disguise face, as if I would at heartbreak’s
masquerade ball.
I’ve been welcomed and accepted completely.
And did I say loved?
Loved like nobody’s business.
Loved better than I could ever dream of.
So there’s no need
to look back
anymore.
(c) 2009 BuddahDesmond
Ain’t Worth It
Why get fully vested in something that has yet to prove
its future’s promise?
Why get emotionally involved when you still are unsure
if he or she has your heart and you have theirs?
What’s the sense in crying over it if the tears and your efforts
won’t change a thing?
When substance isn’t fully formed,
And the foundation is absent or still weak–
It’s too much to give your all if you haven’t seen a return…
especially when he or she is fixed, unbending.
When the union can’t get beyond shallow matters–
Ain’t no sense looking for depth.
Cause superficial love ain’t love at all.
It’s all a facade–
A fantasy of what it could but will never be.
If you’re looking in others for what you can’t do or find in yourself–
You’re hopeless.
You’re only killing time–yours and others–
When you drag someone else along and you’re not ready
(or you know they’re not ready) for the commitment.
The wise choice:
Go play.
Get it out of your system.
Or stay single until you’re ready.
Cause it ain’t worth it.
(c) BuddahDesmond
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Now playing: Amel Larrieux – Weary
via FoxyTunes
Hello all! It’s been awhile – hasn’t it? I didn’t mean to be away for so long. But I’m back in school now and my schedule is like who done it and why. I’m in the dual IT/MBA degree program. Though the work hasn’t been exceptionally difficult – being up late damn near every night of the work week (and weekend) has been kicking me in the butt. I’m so tired and exhausted I’m delirious. I had three online classes this semester. One was a 6-week class. It seemed like I had more assignments and reading in that class than I had in my regular 12-week classes. I was very happy having successfully completed that class and lightening the load (ever so slightly). My grades have been pretty good thus far. At this point – balance is key. Cause working full-time and going to school part-time and not getting adequate sleep is not going work for the duration. I’ll get it together though. I have faith. With change comes adjustments. I’ll be fine.
Personally things are fine. My bf moved in officially last month. We’ve taken the next big step. And we seem to have adjusted quite well to this. We haven’t killed each other yet or had any blowout bash arguments. If something pops up or pisses us off – we talk about it right then and there. We get it out in the open and try to resolve it as best as we can. Our open-line of communication is one of the reasons why our relationship is so strong. We talk about everything. And we realize that we need to be on the same page if we want to keep things moving in a positive direction… Oh – how I love him! He’s been so good to me. He supports me like no other. He has my back. He respects, appreciates, and accepts me – completely. And he’s not afraid to go there with me or put me in place when I go off the deep end. And I lovingly, willingly, graciously, freely do the same thing in return.
As of today, I’ll be starting a project that I’ll call my “101 Days Project”This project will consist of my musings on various things in my everyday life – be it the workday, home life, music, movies, books, quotes, current events… I may be responding to something I saw, heard, or read. My responses may be take shape in the form of poetry, song lyrics, images, drawings, free writing, you name it. Anything is fair game here. It’ll be creative but also be a learning experience for me (and maybe you too). And I figured BuddahDesmond’s Rapture is the best repository for the project. Another good thing is my “101 Days Project” will get me into the habit of posting on a regular, daily basis (something I have not quite been able to do since starting this blog a little over 5 years ago). So stayed tuned as the project progresses for the next 101 Days.
Life is music. Simple. Complex. And everything in between. We’re players in it. Musicians, singers, writers, producers, and executives. Each day is a song. Each has it’s own tempo, theme, mood, depth, feeling, subject matter… Some days we’re all singing the same song in unison or different keys. Other days we’re singing our own uniquely different tunes. They’re colorful. They’re bombastic. They’re jubilant. They’re melancholy. They’re all this and so much more. If there were no song – could we live? Could we be? If there were no song – I doubt hardly that we’d exist.
Until next time… Have a great weekend!
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Now playing: Pitbull – Can’t Stop Me Now
via FoxyTunes
I was stunned when I heard that E. Lynn Harris died. I thought it was just another hoax. But sadly, his passing was in fact true. Harris was a tremendous talent. He was the voice of a community that had often been silenced, nonexistent, or unacknowledged in the literary world. Harris’ work inspired dialogue, and opened minds and hearts. His contributions helped pave the way for many of today’s black gay contemporary writers. He was a treasure and will forever be missed.
Thank you, E. Lynn Harris, for inspiring us. Thank you for sharing our stories. Thank you for helping me, and I’m sure many others, who–at a young age–was struggling with my sexuality but learned to accept and embrace it.
E. Lynn Harris, rest in peace. We love you!
~ BuddahDesmond
Never knew I could feel this way about someone
I always thought about it
Always dreamed about it
Fantasized about it
Prayed for it
But never knew it would be like this
What I’m feeling far exceeds expectations
It trumps predecessors
It squashes competition
Smashes records
Wins every time
I had a feeling before but it doesn’t equal the real thing
Everything I’ve ever wanted in a man
I’ve found in you
All the wonderful things that dreams are made of
All the qualities to brag about
All the characteristics I find attractively appealing
Intellect and wit that keeps me on my toes
Handsome sexiness that I can’t resist
Tenderness, care and compassion that brings tears to my eyes
With flaws and all you are simply beautiful, inside and out
Never knew I could find everything and more
I always wrote about it
Always sang about it
Talked about it
Wished for it
But it eclipses all that I’ve ever hoped for
Didn’t know it would be like this
It’s better than I expected
And I’m glad to finally have it
I’m glad to be in this place
Glad to have this feeling
So glad to be this in love
And for this, I will continue to express my gratitude
~ BuddahDesmond
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Now playing: Chrisette Michele & Ne-Yo – What You Do (Single Version)
via FoxyTunes