Day 12: Poetry Spotlight – Not Anymore

Not Anymore

Taking out the trash.
Getting rid of all the old shit.
Locating all the hidden treasures that squandered
     in the presence of you.

Started over.
Went from lost to found.
Spirit renewedfound a new love,
Not as costly or exhausting as the love I had
     with you.

Got it right this time.
Didn’t give way to self-doubt.
No more self-interrogation.
No longer being the criminal to the victim always played
     by you.
I realized when problems in relationships arise,
It’s usually not just one party to blameit’s two.

I’ve washed myself clean.
Still have my issues,
But I acknowledge them and make it known.
There’s always room for improvement.
But I can be myself.
No need to hide or disguise face, as if I would at heartbreak’s
     masquerade ball.
I’ve been welcomed and accepted completely.
And did I say loved?
Loved like nobody’s business.
Loved better than I could ever dream of.
So there’s no need
     to look back

(c) 2009 BuddahDesmond

Day 11: Poetry Spotlight – Ain’t Worth It

Ain’t Worth It

Why get fully vested in something that has yet to prove
     its future’s promise?
Why get emotionally involved when you still are unsure
     if he or she has your heart and you have theirs?
What’s the sense in crying over it if the tears and your efforts
     won’t change a thing?

When substance isn’t fully formed,
And the foundation is absent or still weak
It’s too much to give your all if you haven’t seen a return…
     especially when he or she is fixed, unbending.

When the union can’t get beyond shallow matters
Ain’t no sense looking for depth.
Cause superficial love ain’t love at all.
It’s all a facade
A fantasy of what it could but will never be.

If you’re looking in others for what you can’t do or find in yourself
You’re hopeless.
You’re only killing timeyours and others
When you drag someone else along and you’re not ready
    (or you know they’re not ready) for the commitment.
The wise choice:
Go play.
Get it out of your system.
Or stay single until you’re ready.
Cause it ain’t worth it.

(c) BuddahDesmond
Now playing: Amel Larrieux – Weary
via FoxyTunes

If There Were No Song

Hello all! It’s been awhile – hasn’t it? I didn’t mean to be away for so long. But I’m back in school now and my schedule is like who done it and why. I’m in the dual IT/MBA degree program. Though the work hasn’t been exceptionally difficult – being up late damn near every night of the work week (and weekend) has been kicking me in the butt. I’m so tired and exhausted I’m delirious. I had three online classes this semester. One was a 6-week class. It seemed like I had more assignments and reading in that class than I had in my regular 12-week classes. I was very happy having successfully completed that class and lightening the load (ever so slightly). My grades have been pretty good thus far. At this point – balance is key. Cause working full-time and going to school part-time and not getting adequate sleep is not going work for the duration. I’ll get it together though. I have faith. With change comes adjustments. I’ll be fine.

Personally things are fine. My bf moved in officially last month. We’ve taken the next big step. And we seem to have adjusted quite well to this. We haven’t killed each other yet or had any blowout bash arguments. If something pops up or pisses us off – we talk about it right then and there. We get it out in the open and try to resolve it as best as we can. Our open-line of communication is one of the reasons why our relationship is so strong. We talk about everything. And we realize that we need to be on the same page if we want to keep things moving in a positive direction… Oh – how I love him! He’s been so good to me. He supports me like no other. He has my back. He respects, appreciates, and accepts me – completely. And he’s not afraid to go there with me or put me in place when I go off the deep end. And I lovingly, willingly, graciously, freely do the same thing in return.

As of today, I’ll be starting a project that I’ll call my “101 Days Project”This project will consist of my musings on various things in my everyday life – be it the workday, home life, music, movies, books, quotes, current events… I may be responding to something I saw, heard, or read. My responses may be take shape in the form of poetry, song lyrics, images, drawings, free writing, you name it. Anything is fair game here. It’ll be creative but also be a learning experience for me (and maybe you too). And I figured BuddahDesmond’s Rapture is the best repository for the project. Another good thing is my “101 Days Project” will get me into the habit of posting on a regular, daily basis (something I have not quite been able to do since starting this blog a little over 5 years ago). So stayed tuned as the project progresses for the next 101 Days.

Life is music. Simple. Complex. And everything in between. We’re players in it. Musicians, singers, writers, producers, and executives. Each day is a song. Each has it’s own tempo, theme, mood, depth, feeling, subject matter… Some days we’re all singing the same song in unison or different keys. Other days we’re singing our own uniquely different tunes. They’re colorful. They’re bombastic. They’re jubilant. They’re melancholy. They’re all this and so much more. If there were no song – could we live? Could we be? If there were no song – I doubt hardly that we’d exist.

Until next time… Have a great weekend!

Now playing: Pitbull – Can’t Stop Me Now
via FoxyTunes

R.I.P. E. Lynn Harris

I was stunned when I heard that E. Lynn Harris died. I thought it was just another hoax. But sadly, his passing was in fact true. Harris was a tremendous talent. He was the voice of a community that had often been silenced, nonexistent, or unacknowledged in the literary world. Harris’ work inspired dialogue, and opened minds and hearts. His contributions helped pave the way for many of today’s black gay contemporary writers. He was a treasure and will forever be missed.

Thank you, E. Lynn Harris, for inspiring us. Thank you for sharing our stories. Thank you for helping me, and I’m sure many others, who–at a young age–was struggling with my sexuality but learned to accept and embrace it. 

E. Lynn Harris, rest in peace. We love you!

~ BuddahDesmond

Never Knew

Never knew I could feel this way about someone
I always thought about it
Always dreamed about it
Fantasized about it
Prayed for it
But never knew it would be like this

What I’m feeling far exceeds expectations
It trumps predecessors
It squashes competition
Smashes records
Wins every time
I had a feeling before but it doesn’t equal the real thing

Everything I’ve ever wanted in a man
I’ve found in you
All the wonderful things that dreams are made of
All the qualities to brag about
All the characteristics I find attractively appealing
Intellect and wit that keeps me on my toes
Handsome sexiness that I can’t resist
Tenderness, care and compassion that brings tears to my eyes
With flaws and all you are simply beautiful, inside and out

Never knew I could find everything and more
I always wrote about it
Always sang about it
Talked about it
Wished for it
But it eclipses all that I’ve ever hoped for

Didn’t know it would be like this
It’s better than I expected
And I’m glad to finally have it
I’m glad to be in this place
Glad to have this feeling
So glad to be this in love
And for this, I will continue to express my gratitude

~ BuddahDesmond

Now playing: Chrisette Michele & Ne-Yo – What You Do (Single Version)
via FoxyTunes

Time Waits (for No One)

I’ll live like forever is now
Because time waits for no one
And tomorrow just may not come ’round
Because time waits for no one
When we’re gone
Only love goes on
~ Gloria Estefan, “Time Waits” from Unwrapped (2003)

Hello to all out in blog land! Hope all is fab in your world. It’s been so long! I’m good though. Guess you can say I’ve been on a blog sabbatical. Life has been moving so fast lately and I find myself increasingly busy. At this point, I’m just trying take some time and enjoy breathing. Today was one of those days where I didn’t feel like doing anything and that was my mission. Sit back, relax, and reflect….

I have to say that the last 8 or so months have been the happiest I’ve been in quite some time. My professional life is going well. My work has received quite a bit of praise and I was recently awarded with a merit raise. I was very happy about that. I hope to continue to improve and advance in my current position and whatever opportunities that stem from it.

Personally, my love life has never been better. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. And it just seems to keep getting better. We can’t get enough of each other. We are so very much in love with each other. Life would be so much different without him in it. And I can’t see my life without him in it. He’s the one! And I am so thankful, so grateful to have the love that I’ve longed for and searched so hard to find.

I’ve fallen in love with my friends all over again. They continue to amaze me, push me, inspire me, uplift me, support me, love me… And every chance I get I pay them back in kind. Since so many of my friends are several miles away, we don’t get to see each other (sometimes don’t get to talk to each other) that often. So the moments we do have whether they be in person, over the phone, text, IM, or email – are cherished. We’ve all been thru so much. And we’ve been there for each other thru it all. I couldn’t ask for better friends. I thank god for putting them in my life.

And I love my family. As crazy and dysfunctional as it can be, they’re my foundation. I can’t help but root for them. Even during the bad times. It’s unfortunate that we’re not as close as we used to be. I continue to pray for the day when the petty b.s. is no more and we all can get back to where things should be. I will always be indebted to them for their love, care, and support – my mother and my grandmother especially. They’ve been my rocks….

I guess I say all this to say that the events of the last few months have left me in a reflective, introspective mood. These are trying times for everyone. One of my best friend’s at work lost her dad on February 13th. My boyfriend lost his grandfather and an uncle on March 13th and an aunt less than a week later. My mother was diagnosed with another form of cancer and had to go into surgery on March 20th. Luckily, she made it through without any complications. Due to her medical history, we still have to keep an eye on everything. And hope and pray that after this go round the cancer doesn’t return. All we can do is hope and pray for the best. Play your part and then give it up to God.

Though I realized this before, as I get older it sticks more so now….Life is too short not enjoy it and live it to it’s fullest. It can all be gone in a flash. So you’ve got to give it your all. Love hard. Play hard. Dream big. Go after everything you want. Don’t let anything stop you from doing what you’ve been put on this earth to do. Own it. Own everything (as RuPaul would say….lol!). And I’m going to own everything! As Gloria Estefan sang, time waits for no one. This is our time. We’ve got to make the best of it…. And on that note, I wish you all well. Enjoy your weekend. Catch up with you later….

Now playing: Gloria Estefan – Time Waits
via FoxyTunes

I Wanna Thank You

2008 has been a year of change, surprise, madness, happiness, craziness, and resilience. But I made sure I didn’t lose myself (or my sanity) in the midst of it all. I found balance. And I couldn’t do it alone. I thank the Creator, my family, and friends for being there through it all. I know that if it wasn’t for the wonderful support system I’ve had since the very beginning, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Though I may be independent, I know I couldn’t do it all alone. I am so thankful, so grateful for my family, my friends, a great relationship, my home, my job, food, clothes and the many others gifts and talents in this life I’ve been blessed with. I’m so happy to be here to share it with those that I love. I hope to continue sharing, living, loving, and experiencing. And I hope that I can continue to pay forward all of the great things that so many others have done for me. Hope you had a very Happy Thanksgiving. Be happy and be safe this holiday weekend. Peace, Love, & Many Blessings!

Love & Life

Hello All! It’s been quite a bit of time since I last blogged. Life’s been keeping me busy – really busy. So much so that I had to take a step back, chill out for a bit, and re-evaluate things. After the world tour from work (we traveled to six different locations in three weeks in July), I fell ill in early August. All the traveling took a toll on me and I spent a brief period in the hospital and on sick leave from work. It was a combination of exhaustion, stress, and anxiety (which sent my blood pressure through the roof). And this is not a good combination of things to be suffering from. It may seem lightweight but when you think about how your overall health can be impacted – it’s not cool.

Looking at the amount of leave I’d accrued vs. what I actually used at work, I noticed that I had not taken off much at all. And in lieu my recent health scare, I figured I needed to rectify that. So whenever I feel I need to take a mental health day – I take it, without hesitation. I realize that end of the day – if you don’t take care of yourself, who else will? I’ve been trying to relax more, chill more, party and socialize more (I’ve been doing a lot of that lately-LOL!). Just trying to enjoy life more really.

Aside from that, I’ve been spending time with family and helping out when I can. My mother and my grandmother actually took care of me while I was sick. I was so appreciative and grateful for that. I’d do the same (and have done the same) thing for them. It’s the least that I can do for the many things they’ve done for me over the years. I recently helped them move into a new place back in late September. Due to the issues my mother’s been having with her left hip/leg and lower back, she’s unable to comfortably do a lot of walking and stair climbing. Her doctor told her she needed to move somewhere that didn’t have any stairs. Fortunately, she and my grandmother were able to find a one-level house and everything is good. They’ve settled quite well into it.

I’ve also fallen in love…. This thang is for real. So SERIOUS!!!! I’m so happy (or I should say happier). All of the b.s., drama, and games I had to deal with in my previous relationships were the perfect set-up for what I have now. Totally work of The Creator. I can’t say thank you enough! When you stop looking – good things do come your way. I do believe I’ve found my match. He’s a beautiful man – inside and out. We feel exactly the same way about each other – and it’s been that way seemingly from day one. Another reason to keep smiling…. 🙂

And I got to see Janet here in DC. Oh…. That show was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. She brought the house down. They weren’t ready-LOL!! I rocked with Janet for 2.5 hours of non-stop unadulterated entertainment. Say what you will about the Jacksons – but they rise like the phoenix. And regardless of what’s going on – they always know how to put on an excellent show. Michael and Janet – two of the most influential and dynamic entertainers to ever grace the stage. Just look at all the reigning kings and queens of the industry now – you can’t help but notice the influence Michael and Janet have had on them.

Anyway…. Life is good. Love is good. So many things to be thankful for. Even during the darkest moments…. There’s always plenty of light shining when you come out on the other side. We often forget how fortunate we are. It usually takes a life changing event before we realize it…. Until next time… I wish you the best. Get out and vote. This thang is SO SERIOUS! DON’T PLAY!

I Walked Away

Slowly surely
I walk away from
constantly hurting me love
deserting me love
you said, I said, we said
~ Jill Scott, “Slowly Surely,” Who is Jill Scott? Words & Sounds Vol. 1, 2000

If you haven’t figured out from my previous posts yet, DP and I broke up. After 2 1/2 years, I had to walk away. It wasn’t the love that I wanted anymore. It wasn’t fulfilling my needs. After putting so much into it, I felt slighted. I felt shortchanged. I felt used. Because I wasn’t getting back what I was putting in. The effort, the support, the openness wasn’t being reciprocated. So I had to move on. The relationship was over long before it ended. I just had yet to open my eyes wide enough to see it. Though I saddened about our relationship’s demise, I was thoroughly relieved. Content that I’d finally let go of what had been bringing me down for some time.

While I prefer to be in a relationship, I can do without the suffering, the heartache, the longing, and the pain. Lately, I’ve been enjoying the single life. I’ve been enjoying this time of reflection and introspection. I know that the next time will be quite different. And most of all, I’m going into this next period of life and love with no expectations. That way I don’t get my feelings hurt too soon, too fast. And though it’s only been a few months, new love seems to be on the horizon again. But I’m taking my time with it. No need to rush it. I’m just letting it flow – slowly, surely, easily, naturally. There’s no hurrying love. A hurried love is one that will turn on you. It’s one that will let you down. One that you won’t be able to depend upon. Can’t be having that! LOL! Until next time — love, peace, and many blessings!

Now playing: Jill Scott – Slowly Surely
via FoxyTunes

Relax, Relate, Release, Regroup!

It’s about that time. I feeling the need to get rid of some dead weight. I don’t need the start of the new year to signify change. It’s just a feeling that you get when you know you’re veering off track. You’ve been led astray and you’re trying to get back to where you need to be. Somewhere amidst graduation, the new job, the relationship, moving, traveling, and all of the family/personal drama – I got lost. I got caught up. I lost focus on what I set out to achieve. I let everything (and everyone) dictate what my existence should be. But no more! Never again. As the saying goes, “I may be down but never out!”

I know this is shorter than my average post, but sometimes being concise is the only way to get the point across. I’ll be back with another post within the week. Hope everyone in the blogworld is well. Until next time…. Peace, Love and Many Blessings!

Now playing: Teena Marie – Ooo La La La
via FoxyTunes