R.I.P. E. Lynn Harris


I was stunned when I heard that E. Lynn Harris died. I thought it was just another hoax. But sadly, his passing was in fact true. Harris was a tremendous talent. He was the voice of a community that had often been silenced, nonexistent, or unacknowledged in the literary world. Harris’ work inspired dialogue, and opened minds and hearts. His contributions helped pave the way for many of today’s black gay contemporary writers. He was a treasure and will forever be missed.

Thank you, E. Lynn Harris, for inspiring us. Thank you for sharing our stories. Thank you for helping me, and I’m sure many others, who–at a young age–was struggling with my sexuality but learned to accept and embrace it. 

E. Lynn Harris, rest in peace. We love you!

~ BuddahDesmond

Never Knew

Never knew I could feel this way about someone
I always thought about it
Always dreamed about it
Fantasized about it
Prayed for it
But never knew it would be like this

What I’m feeling far exceeds expectations
It trumps predecessors
It squashes competition
Smashes records
Wins every time
I had a feeling before but it doesn’t equal the real thing

Everything I’ve ever wanted in a man
I’ve found in you
All the wonderful things that dreams are made of
All the qualities to brag about
All the characteristics I find attractively appealing
Intellect and wit that keeps me on my toes
Handsome sexiness that I can’t resist
Tenderness, care and compassion that brings tears to my eyes
With flaws and all you are simply beautiful, inside and out

Never knew I could find everything and more
I always wrote about it
Always sang about it
Talked about it
Wished for it
But it eclipses all that I’ve ever hoped for

Didn’t know it would be like this
It’s better than I expected
And I’m glad to finally have it
I’m glad to be in this place
Glad to have this feeling
So glad to be this in love
And for this, I will continue to express my gratitude

~ BuddahDesmond

—————-
Now playing: Chrisette Michele & Ne-Yo – What You Do (Single Version)
via FoxyTunes

Time Waits (for No One)

I’ll live like forever is now
Because time waits for no one
And tomorrow just may not come ’round
Because time waits for no one
When we’re gone
Only love goes on
~ Gloria Estefan, “Time Waits” from Unwrapped (2003)

Hello to all out in blog land! Hope all is fab in your world. It’s been so long! I’m good though. Guess you can say I’ve been on a blog sabbatical. Life has been moving so fast lately and I find myself increasingly busy. At this point, I’m just trying take some time and enjoy breathing. Today was one of those days where I didn’t feel like doing anything and that was my mission. Sit back, relax, and reflect….

I have to say that the last 8 or so months have been the happiest I’ve been in quite some time. My professional life is going well. My work has received quite a bit of praise and I was recently awarded with a merit raise. I was very happy about that. I hope to continue to improve and advance in my current position and whatever opportunities that stem from it.

Personally, my love life has never been better. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months. And it just seems to keep getting better. We can’t get enough of each other. We are so very much in love with each other. Life would be so much different without him in it. And I can’t see my life without him in it. He’s the one! And I am so thankful, so grateful to have the love that I’ve longed for and searched so hard to find.

I’ve fallen in love with my friends all over again. They continue to amaze me, push me, inspire me, uplift me, support me, love me… And every chance I get I pay them back in kind. Since so many of my friends are several miles away, we don’t get to see each other (sometimes don’t get to talk to each other) that often. So the moments we do have whether they be in person, over the phone, text, IM, or email – are cherished. We’ve all been thru so much. And we’ve been there for each other thru it all. I couldn’t ask for better friends. I thank god for putting them in my life.

And I love my family. As crazy and dysfunctional as it can be, they’re my foundation. I can’t help but root for them. Even during the bad times. It’s unfortunate that we’re not as close as we used to be. I continue to pray for the day when the petty b.s. is no more and we all can get back to where things should be. I will always be indebted to them for their love, care, and support – my mother and my grandmother especially. They’ve been my rocks….

I guess I say all this to say that the events of the last few months have left me in a reflective, introspective mood. These are trying times for everyone. One of my best friend’s at work lost her dad on February 13th. My boyfriend lost his grandfather and an uncle on March 13th and an aunt less than a week later. My mother was diagnosed with another form of cancer and had to go into surgery on March 20th. Luckily, she made it through without any complications. Due to her medical history, we still have to keep an eye on everything. And hope and pray that after this go round the cancer doesn’t return. All we can do is hope and pray for the best. Play your part and then give it up to God.

Though I realized this before, as I get older it sticks more so now….Life is too short not enjoy it and live it to it’s fullest. It can all be gone in a flash. So you’ve got to give it your all. Love hard. Play hard. Dream big. Go after everything you want. Don’t let anything stop you from doing what you’ve been put on this earth to do. Own it. Own everything (as RuPaul would say….lol!). And I’m going to own everything! As Gloria Estefan sang, time waits for no one. This is our time. We’ve got to make the best of it…. And on that note, I wish you all well. Enjoy your weekend. Catch up with you later….

—————-
Now playing: Gloria Estefan – Time Waits
via FoxyTunes

I Wanna Thank You

2008 has been a year of change, surprise, madness, happiness, craziness, and resilience. But I made sure I didn’t lose myself (or my sanity) in the midst of it all. I found balance. And I couldn’t do it alone. I thank the Creator, my family, and friends for being there through it all. I know that if it wasn’t for the wonderful support system I’ve had since the very beginning, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Though I may be independent, I know I couldn’t do it all alone. I am so thankful, so grateful for my family, my friends, a great relationship, my home, my job, food, clothes and the many others gifts and talents in this life I’ve been blessed with. I’m so happy to be here to share it with those that I love. I hope to continue sharing, living, loving, and experiencing. And I hope that I can continue to pay forward all of the great things that so many others have done for me. Hope you had a very Happy Thanksgiving. Be happy and be safe this holiday weekend. Peace, Love, & Many Blessings!

Love & Life

Hello All! It’s been quite a bit of time since I last blogged. Life’s been keeping me busy – really busy. So much so that I had to take a step back, chill out for a bit, and re-evaluate things. After the world tour from work (we traveled to six different locations in three weeks in July), I fell ill in early August. All the traveling took a toll on me and I spent a brief period in the hospital and on sick leave from work. It was a combination of exhaustion, stress, and anxiety (which sent my blood pressure through the roof). And this is not a good combination of things to be suffering from. It may seem lightweight but when you think about how your overall health can be impacted – it’s not cool.

Looking at the amount of leave I’d accrued vs. what I actually used at work, I noticed that I had not taken off much at all. And in lieu my recent health scare, I figured I needed to rectify that. So whenever I feel I need to take a mental health day – I take it, without hesitation. I realize that end of the day – if you don’t take care of yourself, who else will? I’ve been trying to relax more, chill more, party and socialize more (I’ve been doing a lot of that lately-LOL!). Just trying to enjoy life more really.

Aside from that, I’ve been spending time with family and helping out when I can. My mother and my grandmother actually took care of me while I was sick. I was so appreciative and grateful for that. I’d do the same (and have done the same) thing for them. It’s the least that I can do for the many things they’ve done for me over the years. I recently helped them move into a new place back in late September. Due to the issues my mother’s been having with her left hip/leg and lower back, she’s unable to comfortably do a lot of walking and stair climbing. Her doctor told her she needed to move somewhere that didn’t have any stairs. Fortunately, she and my grandmother were able to find a one-level house and everything is good. They’ve settled quite well into it.

I’ve also fallen in love…. This thang is for real. So SERIOUS!!!! I’m so happy (or I should say happier). All of the b.s., drama, and games I had to deal with in my previous relationships were the perfect set-up for what I have now. Totally work of The Creator. I can’t say thank you enough! When you stop looking – good things do come your way. I do believe I’ve found my match. He’s a beautiful man – inside and out. We feel exactly the same way about each other – and it’s been that way seemingly from day one. Another reason to keep smiling…. 🙂

And I got to see Janet here in DC. Oh…. That show was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. She brought the house down. They weren’t ready-LOL!! I rocked with Janet for 2.5 hours of non-stop unadulterated entertainment. Say what you will about the Jacksons – but they rise like the phoenix. And regardless of what’s going on – they always know how to put on an excellent show. Michael and Janet – two of the most influential and dynamic entertainers to ever grace the stage. Just look at all the reigning kings and queens of the industry now – you can’t help but notice the influence Michael and Janet have had on them.

Anyway…. Life is good. Love is good. So many things to be thankful for. Even during the darkest moments…. There’s always plenty of light shining when you come out on the other side. We often forget how fortunate we are. It usually takes a life changing event before we realize it…. Until next time… I wish you the best. Get out and vote. This thang is SO SERIOUS! DON’T PLAY!

I Walked Away

Slowly surely
I walk away from
self-serving
undeserving
constantly hurting me love
deserting me love
you said, I said, we said
but
~ Jill Scott, “Slowly Surely,” Who is Jill Scott? Words & Sounds Vol. 1, 2000

If you haven’t figured out from my previous posts yet, DP and I broke up. After 2 1/2 years, I had to walk away. It wasn’t the love that I wanted anymore. It wasn’t fulfilling my needs. After putting so much into it, I felt slighted. I felt shortchanged. I felt used. Because I wasn’t getting back what I was putting in. The effort, the support, the openness wasn’t being reciprocated. So I had to move on. The relationship was over long before it ended. I just had yet to open my eyes wide enough to see it. Though I saddened about our relationship’s demise, I was thoroughly relieved. Content that I’d finally let go of what had been bringing me down for some time.

While I prefer to be in a relationship, I can do without the suffering, the heartache, the longing, and the pain. Lately, I’ve been enjoying the single life. I’ve been enjoying this time of reflection and introspection. I know that the next time will be quite different. And most of all, I’m going into this next period of life and love with no expectations. That way I don’t get my feelings hurt too soon, too fast. And though it’s only been a few months, new love seems to be on the horizon again. But I’m taking my time with it. No need to rush it. I’m just letting it flow – slowly, surely, easily, naturally. There’s no hurrying love. A hurried love is one that will turn on you. It’s one that will let you down. One that you won’t be able to depend upon. Can’t be having that! LOL! Until next time — love, peace, and many blessings!

—————-
Now playing: Jill Scott – Slowly Surely
via FoxyTunes

Relax, Relate, Release, Regroup!

It’s about that time. I feeling the need to get rid of some dead weight. I don’t need the start of the new year to signify change. It’s just a feeling that you get when you know you’re veering off track. You’ve been led astray and you’re trying to get back to where you need to be. Somewhere amidst graduation, the new job, the relationship, moving, traveling, and all of the family/personal drama – I got lost. I got caught up. I lost focus on what I set out to achieve. I let everything (and everyone) dictate what my existence should be. But no more! Never again. As the saying goes, “I may be down but never out!”

I know this is shorter than my average post, but sometimes being concise is the only way to get the point across. I’ll be back with another post within the week. Hope everyone in the blogworld is well. Until next time…. Peace, Love and Many Blessings!

—————-
Now playing: Teena Marie – Ooo La La La
via FoxyTunes

If I Had My Way

Another month gone by as the summer of 2007 is jockeying for the title of “fastest summer ever”. Next thing you know everyone will talking about XMAS shopping. That is the very last thing I want to think about. So what’s been going on in Buddah’s world? Not a lot and I’m enjoying it that way…. Well, at least for this moment.

After being the dynamic duo at work, my supervisor and I, we are now a team of four. We’ve welcomed two new team members who are very intelligent, creative, and enthusiastic. I think they’ll do very well. We’ll be able utilize our resources better and accomplish a great deal more. I’m looking forward to the prospects.

After gallivanting through the streets nights and weekends for the last several months (like a gypsy with no home), I’ve taken reprieve. This is probably the second weekend in some time where I did absolutely nothing. Isn’t nice to chill out for a change? I’m sure all of that will change next month. The calendar is beginning to fill up with engagements. More on that as that in other posts.

I also spent some time at home. My mother has been experiencing a lot of pain lately due to osteo-arthritis in her legs and bone spurs in her lower back. I had to help set up the office so she would be able to work from home. She’s loving it and wishes she could work from home until she retires. If you had to deal with the b.s. from the cunts that she works with on a day to day basis you’d prefer to work from home too. She’s been working from for about a month now. She experiences some pain every now and then but she doesn’t let it stop her. She’s always in good spirits. And she’s been through a lot. She had her last chemo treatment at the end of April and the cancer is in remission now. She’s been a trooper through it all. If there is anyone I can look to for inspiration it’s my mother. Because of my mother and the example she’s set I know that anything is possible. I’m happy she’s still with us.

As for things between DP and I, they are a lot better than they were six weeks ago. We’ve worked through our issues and we’re going to be fine. I didn’t want to walk away from what we have and neither did he. We just had to get over ourselves and be honest with each other. Things happen. There’s always a reason. Nothing is ever perfect. And this was our latest test (many more to come I’m sure). Of course things would be better if he was here permanently. If I had my way – he would be here. We would physically be together. But anything worth having is worth waiting for. The date of his arrival is set for sometime in November. And the anticipation and excitement continues to build….

And here’s to two years of blogging! “On and on. And on and on. My cipher keeps moving like a rolling stone.” E. Badu couldn’t have said it any better. Until next time…. Be true. Appreciate what you have. Let the blessings flow.

Back to the Middle

It’s me again…. I’m back after what seems like ages. Like TV….. It seems like I go through more mid-season replacements than ABC. I can’t make any promises the next time, cause who knows what will happen in this show called “Buddah’s Life.” I can say that life has been exciting these last several weeks. Exciting, entertaining, depressing, scary, emotional, extraordinary…. You get the picture. I attended and volunteered at DC Black Pride (my first time doing either and I had a great time), went to a special screening of the DL Chronicles (acted, written, and directed very well), attended a conference in Austin, TX (met some really nice people while roasting alive in that Texas heat), and had a very brief rendezvous with someone I’ll call QD. For anyone who’s been reading over the past few months, you’re probably wondering – well isn’t Buddah in a long-distance relationship with DP? Are they still together? Did Buddah cheat on DP? Well, yes, yes, and no.

We’re still together. As much as we’ve been trying to make it work, it hasn’t been easy. We were doing fine but the distance has been taking its toll on the relationship. (15 months and counting, 5000+ miles away, 5-6 hour time difference depending on the time of year–you get it the picture?) I don’t care but after a certain period of time – talking on the phone isn’t enough. You need something a little more substantial. At a certain point, we started talking about having our cake and eating it too while we’re away from each other. DP said that because of our situation he wouldn’t feel bad if I had my fun on the side as long as I told what I was doing and when. He said he wouldn’t be mad as long as I was honest with him. I found this hard to believe. In the back of my mind I knew this was a big test. Well as I hinted earlier, something did happen (with QD). Wasn’t planned or expected (and damn if it wasn’t GOOD!!!). Guess I failed the test, huh? Oh well….. So I told DP about it and, as I had expected, he flipped. We fussed, fought, and argued and things just haven’t been right since. I’m like Faith Evans (without the coke) trying to figure out where we stand.

Will we come to our senses and get it together? Will we take a break until we’re at least back in the same state? Or will we be like that famous jazz standard and call the whole thing off? Stay tuned for this is an episode in “Buddah’s Life” with multiple parts. Until next time, don’t be as wild and crazy as I’ve been. Second thought, be wild and crazy. Just try to get back to the middle. As a very dear friend told me, this is your time. It’s time to do for you. Do what makes you happy. Don’t let anyone steal your shine!

Something Is Better Than Nothing

Well it looks like I’m on the one post a month plan. I really wish I could post on a (semi-) regular basis but with all that’s going on (and with my ADD-LOL!) it’s difficult. There’s always hope for the future. So how have I been? Ok, I guess. Busy as usual. Seems like I’m always playing catch up.

Work is good. Duties are increasing. I’ve been doing a lot of planning and preparation for the next round of user testing. It looks like we’ll be staying put for this and the other testing projects in the queue. If we do any traveling it’ll probably be sometime this summer (or early fall). In June I will be going to a conference in Austin, TX though. It’ll be my first time going to TX. I’m excited. This will be yet another great networking opportunity in a great location. I can hardly wait. I’ll be sure to pack comfortable clothes since it will more than likely be HOT.

Family life has been eventful to say the least. For the last several months, several of members of my family have been ill. Some in and out the hospital. My mother recently finished with chemotherapy and after being out for six months, will be returning to work soon. My grandfather was in the hospital for heart and kidney problems. My grandmother just got out of the hospital this weekend for heart issues. And I just got word today that my great-grandfather is in the hospital for what may have been a stroke. (And my other grandmother was in and out of hospital due to illness as well). As my grandmother said earlier today, “When it rains-it pours.” All we can do is hope and pray that all will be well. Whatever The Creator deems necessary is what will be.

I’ll be taking some vacation days around Memorial Day weekend (finally). Though I’ll be staying the DC area, I’ll be attending and volunteering at some of the DC Black Pride events. This will be my first attending (and volunteering) at a Pride. I have absolutely no idea what to expect. I just know that I better behave myself since I’m already spoken for (LOL!). If nothing else, I’ll have some fun and meet some new people.

I’ve also been trying to get reacquainted with the DC area. So much has changed since I was away at school. What used to be so familiar has become quite unfamiliar to me. It would probably be a little easier to navigate if I had as many friends here as I did when I was at school. It seems like I had to start all over again in the social department of my life. I’m not sure that I’m like this aspect too much right now…. But I guess I just have to keep rolling with the punches. Maybe the social butterfly will have returned by summer.

DP and I have seem to be having quite a few disagreements too. We’ve said some things too each that we didn’t mean to say. You know how that goes. I know I’ve been more hot-tempered than usual. I think it’s due to us being away from each other for so long. This long distance thing is killing me. I’m beginning to see why long distance relationships don’t last and why people avoid them at all costs. Long distance relationships are hard work. It’s so hard, so very hard. It’s so easy when you have easy access to each other (when you live in the same city or at least in the same state). But when you’re thousands of miles apart it’s rough. When you really need or want each other you can’t be together. And that’s probably the hardest part of it all. Sure you’ve got phones, emails, IMs, text messages, videos, and pictures. It’s not the same and it will never add up to the real thing. In the same breath, I guess it’s better than nothing. We haven’t killed each other or broken up. These trials will only make our relationship and us that much stronger….. As I continue to yearn for DP’s love and anticipate the next moment we’ll share together….

Check out my reviews at Pictures and Frames Magazine. Until next time, peace, love, and many blessings! Be safe!