Day 37: Love & Bills

“Love don’t pay the bills!”  How many times have we heard this statement?  If we could cash in every time we heard it, we’d probably have some hefty bank accounts.  While it may be true, shouldn’t we be digging a little deeper?  Love is more powerful than money.  More spiritual.  More meaningful.  Money is tangible but does not last forever.  Love is ever-lasting.  Once you’ve got it–you’ve got it.  You may not always be in love.  But you will always love and be loved.  That’s what makes you rich. 

Whether you’re by yourself or in a committed relationship–you’ll find a way to pay the bills.  With love on tap, you’ll work to find a way.  That’s if you want to.  That’s if you care.  That’s also when faith, loyalty, devotion, and due diligence come into play.  Money can bring you lots of things, but love is not one of them.  And love can bring many things as well…  So much so that you may not realize how truly blessed you are.  Maybe that’s what The-Dream was getting at on Love Vs. Money…  Well, one hopes that’s what he meant. 🙂

Day 34: Communication

Sometimes when I say “I wonder why I bother,” it’s due to some miscommunication or misunderstanding.  But I can never own up to it as being a sole responsibility of mine.   Communication is typically not a one-way happening.  If you end up in a place where I didn’t intend to take you (and vice versa), it’s the responsibility of both of us to get back to where we each need to be.  We have to work together, actively listen, pay attention, and make light of confusion or pinpoint where issues need to be addressed.  That’s the only way we will ever be able to successfully communicate with each other.

Day 33: Loving Yourself

There’s no way in the world that anyone can tell me that you can love fully and completely when you don’t love yourself.  You cannot let go.  You cannot really embrace.  You cannot allow yourself to fall.  You’re too guarded.  Too scared.  Too worried.  Even if you find someone who loves you the way you need to be loved, total acceptance still won’t be possible.  You’re too blocked.  You’ve got too much personal baggage.  You’ve got to release it.  You’ve got to fall in love with yourself before you can really allow someone else to love you.

Day 30: Obligation & Convenience in Relationships

Two things that can keep someone in a relationship are convenience and obligation.  After a particular span of time, people get complacent.  They become very comfortable with where they are.  Even when they know they deserve better – they stay.  They’d rather suffer than make the move on to something better suited for themselves.  They also may be weary of hurting their mates feelings.  And they may be feeling that staying (because of the time put in – amongst other things) is what they’re supposed to do.  Well, you’ve got to think about your heart.  If after all this time things still haven’t changed or don’t look like they will change – it’s time to go.  Doesn’t matter what or who you’re leaving behind.  Happiness and joy are not worth your accommodating someone who is not meant for you.  Why suffer in silence?  Put yourself first.

Day 28: Getting Beyond Blame

We have the power to make great changes in our lives. Our power, in this vein, can manifest in both good and bad ways. At times, we can be our best champions or our worst detractors. And when we detract from ourselves—time to recover and recoup can be lengthy. After a certain phase in our lives, it matters not whether others or we were to blame for our misfortunes. That’s because the responsibility for the outcome and our personal resolution(s) remains with us. This responsibility cannot be placed elsewhere. No scapegoating or excuses, because our power and our choices will be at play. It’s imperative that we use our power and make choices wisely.  We must get beyond the blame.

Day 27: Other People & Their Problems

When it comes to other people and other people’s problems – there’s only little we can do.  It’s up to them to make the changes and transitions necessary for improvements in life. You can advise, counsel, support, and love them all you want.  But if they don’t want things to be better for themselves – you might as well proceed like it’s business (your business) as usual.

Day 18: Talking Shit

People will always have shit to say.  It’s part of the human makeup.  Unfortunately, the things people say tend to be more on the illogical, biased, ignorant, or negative side.  But when there’s a problem or an issue that needs to be addressed, if you’re not bringing anything relevant or constructive to the table – do everyone else a favor & shut the fuck up!

Day 17: No More

No more second guessing
Time to cast away the doubts,
The insecurities and the fears
And go with my gut instincts
The first thought or answer to come to mind is usually true

No more beating up myself
What’s done is done — it’s a thing of the past
Time to accept it, reflect upon it, gain from it, and move on

No more bouts with despair
Time to move beyond and get over things that I simply do not have the power
Or control to change

No more worrying
Time to channel that energy into something better
Something useful
Something creative
Time to just live and let it be

No more tears being wasted
On those who said that they loved me
Or those who said that they cared
It’s their loss, not yours

No more sweating the small stuff
Because it’s just that
Time to accept letdowns and disappointments as tests of character,
Endurance and strength
They are gifts in disguise
It’s all a part of life’s journey
And I’m going to enjoy the ride
Whatever happens, happens
However the cards will be dealt
I can guarantee this:
The game will be played and it will be played well

I am now more aware of myself than ever before
I realize that nothing is wrong with me
I am perfectly fine
No more downgrading or shortchanging
I accept myself for who I am
I will not bow down or fall victim to the expectations
Of what everyone says I am supposed to be

No more
I am all of who I am supposed to be and much more
Take it or leave it

(c) BuddahDesmond

Day 15: You Know What The Bible Says…

A few weeks ago I came out to one of my best childhood buddies.  We’d known each since the fourth grade.  Though we lost touch a few times along the way due to distance, we never lost our bond or connection.  It seemed to grow stronger over the years.  We went through and experienced a lot – individually and collectively.  And he’d been there with me – through most of it.

So I have no idea why I waited so long to come out to him.  There’s a part of me that didn’t think he’d have a problem with it and that he’d be fine.  I thought, “Hell, he probably already knows – he’s just waiting for me to tell him.”  And then there’s another part of me that was hesitant.  When I was away in college, he became a born-again Christian.  And I thought that there’s a great possibility that he either won’t accept me or if he does – he might rub the sin, scripture, Bible, Christian thing at me.

I wanted to speak with him in person or at least over the phone about this.  But due to hectic schedules, we kept missing each other. So I opted to do it via email (not my mode of choice, but hey…).  Here’s a portion of his reply to my email:

You know I look at you as a brother and really want you to live a long, prosperous, joyous & blessed life. You also know my religious views being a Christian rapper and all I’m sure you know where the Christian belief stands on homosexuality. The bible tells me that it’s a sin against God, but it also says that no sin is greater than another and that sin (including homosexuality) can be forgiven. You see God loves is greater than anything sin and His love is the definition of unconditional… My beliefs will not allow me to celebrate what the Word of God calls sin HOWEVER just as God still loves you; so do I. It doesn’t mean that the bond of friendship is any weaker on my end…

I just don’t know what or how to respond.  I was both angry and somewhat content with the response. Content because this is what I was expecting him to say and this is why I was hesitant in telling him anyway.  Angry because I’m so sick and tired of hearing this sin bullshit.  And I’m sorry but it’s bullshit.  God made me the way that I am for a reason.  My being gay is not a choice or something that I can just turn on and off like a light switch.  It’s part of me.  It doesn’t consume me and it doesn’t cloud everything that I do.  But you cannot acknowledge me in totality without acknowledging that part of me.  And as a lifelong friend, I guess I was just thinking that he’d be able to see completely beyond this and accept me totally, wholly.  Maybe I’m asking for too much.  Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing.  Maybe I asked for it.  But at what point do you get beyond the scripture to the realness in life and the substance of the realness staring in your face….in all of its divinity?  What would you do?