Day 30: Obligation & Convenience in Relationships

Two things that can keep someone in a relationship are convenience and obligation.  After a particular span of time, people get complacent.  They become very comfortable with where they are.  Even when they know they deserve better – they stay.  They’d rather suffer than make the move on to something better suited for themselves.  They also may be weary of hurting their mates feelings.  And they may be feeling that staying (because of the time put in – amongst other things) is what they’re supposed to do.  Well, you’ve got to think about your heart.  If after all this time things still haven’t changed or don’t look like they will change – it’s time to go.  Doesn’t matter what or who you’re leaving behind.  Happiness and joy are not worth your accommodating someone who is not meant for you.  Why suffer in silence?  Put yourself first.

Day 28: Getting Beyond Blame

We have the power to make great changes in our lives. Our power, in this vein, can manifest in both good and bad ways. At times, we can be our best champions or our worst detractors. And when we detract from ourselves—time to recover and recoup can be lengthy. After a certain phase in our lives, it matters not whether others or we were to blame for our misfortunes. That’s because the responsibility for the outcome and our personal resolution(s) remains with us. This responsibility cannot be placed elsewhere. No scapegoating or excuses, because our power and our choices will be at play. It’s imperative that we use our power and make choices wisely.  We must get beyond the blame.

Day 27: Other People & Their Problems

When it comes to other people and other people’s problems – there’s only little we can do.  It’s up to them to make the changes and transitions necessary for improvements in life. You can advise, counsel, support, and love them all you want.  But if they don’t want things to be better for themselves – you might as well proceed like it’s business (your business) as usual.

Day 18: Talking Shit

People will always have shit to say.  It’s part of the human makeup.  Unfortunately, the things people say tend to be more on the illogical, biased, ignorant, or negative side.  But when there’s a problem or an issue that needs to be addressed, if you’re not bringing anything relevant or constructive to the table – do everyone else a favor & shut the fuck up!

Day 17: No More

No more second guessing
Time to cast away the doubts,
The insecurities and the fears
And go with my gut instincts
The first thought or answer to come to mind is usually true

No more beating up myself
What’s done is done — it’s a thing of the past
Time to accept it, reflect upon it, gain from it, and move on

No more bouts with despair
Time to move beyond and get over things that I simply do not have the power
Or control to change

No more worrying
Time to channel that energy into something better
Something useful
Something creative
Time to just live and let it be

No more tears being wasted
On those who said that they loved me
Or those who said that they cared
It’s their loss, not yours

No more sweating the small stuff
Because it’s just that
Time to accept letdowns and disappointments as tests of character,
Endurance and strength
They are gifts in disguise
It’s all a part of life’s journey
And I’m going to enjoy the ride
Whatever happens, happens
However the cards will be dealt
I can guarantee this:
The game will be played and it will be played well

I am now more aware of myself than ever before
I realize that nothing is wrong with me
I am perfectly fine
No more downgrading or shortchanging
I accept myself for who I am
I will not bow down or fall victim to the expectations
Of what everyone says I am supposed to be

No more
I am all of who I am supposed to be and much more
Take it or leave it

(c) BuddahDesmond

Day 15: You Know What The Bible Says…

A few weeks ago I came out to one of my best childhood buddies.  We’d known each since the fourth grade.  Though we lost touch a few times along the way due to distance, we never lost our bond or connection.  It seemed to grow stronger over the years.  We went through and experienced a lot – individually and collectively.  And he’d been there with me – through most of it.

So I have no idea why I waited so long to come out to him.  There’s a part of me that didn’t think he’d have a problem with it and that he’d be fine.  I thought, “Hell, he probably already knows – he’s just waiting for me to tell him.”  And then there’s another part of me that was hesitant.  When I was away in college, he became a born-again Christian.  And I thought that there’s a great possibility that he either won’t accept me or if he does – he might rub the sin, scripture, Bible, Christian thing at me.

I wanted to speak with him in person or at least over the phone about this.  But due to hectic schedules, we kept missing each other. So I opted to do it via email (not my mode of choice, but hey…).  Here’s a portion of his reply to my email:

You know I look at you as a brother and really want you to live a long, prosperous, joyous & blessed life. You also know my religious views being a Christian rapper and all I’m sure you know where the Christian belief stands on homosexuality. The bible tells me that it’s a sin against God, but it also says that no sin is greater than another and that sin (including homosexuality) can be forgiven. You see God loves is greater than anything sin and His love is the definition of unconditional… My beliefs will not allow me to celebrate what the Word of God calls sin HOWEVER just as God still loves you; so do I. It doesn’t mean that the bond of friendship is any weaker on my end…

I just don’t know what or how to respond.  I was both angry and somewhat content with the response. Content because this is what I was expecting him to say and this is why I was hesitant in telling him anyway.  Angry because I’m so sick and tired of hearing this sin bullshit.  And I’m sorry but it’s bullshit.  God made me the way that I am for a reason.  My being gay is not a choice or something that I can just turn on and off like a light switch.  It’s part of me.  It doesn’t consume me and it doesn’t cloud everything that I do.  But you cannot acknowledge me in totality without acknowledging that part of me.  And as a lifelong friend, I guess I was just thinking that he’d be able to see completely beyond this and accept me totally, wholly.  Maybe I’m asking for too much.  Maybe I’m making a big deal out of nothing.  Maybe I asked for it.  But at what point do you get beyond the scripture to the realness in life and the substance of the realness staring in your face….in all of its divinity?  What would you do?

Day 12: Poetry Spotlight – Not Anymore

Not Anymore

Taking out the trash.
Getting rid of all the old shit.
Locating all the hidden treasures that squandered
     in the presence of you.

Started over.
Went from lost to found.
Spirit renewedfound a new love,
Not as costly or exhausting as the love I had
     with you.

Got it right this time.
Didn’t give way to self-doubt.
No more self-interrogation.
No longer being the criminal to the victim always played
     by you.
I realized when problems in relationships arise,
It’s usually not just one party to blameit’s two.

I’ve washed myself clean.
Still have my issues,
But I acknowledge them and make it known.
There’s always room for improvement.
But I can be myself.
No need to hide or disguise face, as if I would at heartbreak’s
     masquerade ball.
I’ve been welcomed and accepted completely.
And did I say loved?
Loved like nobody’s business.
Loved better than I could ever dream of.
So there’s no need
     to look back

(c) 2009 BuddahDesmond

Day 11: Poetry Spotlight – Ain’t Worth It

Ain’t Worth It

Why get fully vested in something that has yet to prove
     its future’s promise?
Why get emotionally involved when you still are unsure
     if he or she has your heart and you have theirs?
What’s the sense in crying over it if the tears and your efforts
     won’t change a thing?

When substance isn’t fully formed,
And the foundation is absent or still weak
It’s too much to give your all if you haven’t seen a return…
     especially when he or she is fixed, unbending.

When the union can’t get beyond shallow matters
Ain’t no sense looking for depth.
Cause superficial love ain’t love at all.
It’s all a facade
A fantasy of what it could but will never be.

If you’re looking in others for what you can’t do or find in yourself
You’re hopeless.
You’re only killing timeyours and others
When you drag someone else along and you’re not ready
    (or you know they’re not ready) for the commitment.
The wise choice:
Go play.
Get it out of your system.
Or stay single until you’re ready.
Cause it ain’t worth it.

(c) BuddahDesmond
Now playing: Amel Larrieux – Weary
via FoxyTunes

If There Were No Song

Hello all! It’s been awhile – hasn’t it? I didn’t mean to be away for so long. But I’m back in school now and my schedule is like who done it and why. I’m in the dual IT/MBA degree program. Though the work hasn’t been exceptionally difficult – being up late damn near every night of the work week (and weekend) has been kicking me in the butt. I’m so tired and exhausted I’m delirious. I had three online classes this semester. One was a 6-week class. It seemed like I had more assignments and reading in that class than I had in my regular 12-week classes. I was very happy having successfully completed that class and lightening the load (ever so slightly). My grades have been pretty good thus far. At this point – balance is key. Cause working full-time and going to school part-time and not getting adequate sleep is not going work for the duration. I’ll get it together though. I have faith. With change comes adjustments. I’ll be fine.

Personally things are fine. My bf moved in officially last month. We’ve taken the next big step. And we seem to have adjusted quite well to this. We haven’t killed each other yet or had any blowout bash arguments. If something pops up or pisses us off – we talk about it right then and there. We get it out in the open and try to resolve it as best as we can. Our open-line of communication is one of the reasons why our relationship is so strong. We talk about everything. And we realize that we need to be on the same page if we want to keep things moving in a positive direction… Oh – how I love him! He’s been so good to me. He supports me like no other. He has my back. He respects, appreciates, and accepts me – completely. And he’s not afraid to go there with me or put me in place when I go off the deep end. And I lovingly, willingly, graciously, freely do the same thing in return.

As of today, I’ll be starting a project that I’ll call my “101 Days Project”This project will consist of my musings on various things in my everyday life – be it the workday, home life, music, movies, books, quotes, current events… I may be responding to something I saw, heard, or read. My responses may be take shape in the form of poetry, song lyrics, images, drawings, free writing, you name it. Anything is fair game here. It’ll be creative but also be a learning experience for me (and maybe you too). And I figured BuddahDesmond’s Rapture is the best repository for the project. Another good thing is my “101 Days Project” will get me into the habit of posting on a regular, daily basis (something I have not quite been able to do since starting this blog a little over 5 years ago). So stayed tuned as the project progresses for the next 101 Days.

Life is music. Simple. Complex. And everything in between. We’re players in it. Musicians, singers, writers, producers, and executives. Each day is a song. Each has it’s own tempo, theme, mood, depth, feeling, subject matter… Some days we’re all singing the same song in unison or different keys. Other days we’re singing our own uniquely different tunes. They’re colorful. They’re bombastic. They’re jubilant. They’re melancholy. They’re all this and so much more. If there were no song – could we live? Could we be? If there were no song – I doubt hardly that we’d exist.

Until next time… Have a great weekend!

Now playing: Pitbull – Can’t Stop Me Now
via FoxyTunes